Feeling bad again

Here it is 10:30 pm and once again I'm sick as a dog. I just cant seem to get rid of feeling nauseous. I know if I try to go to bed now I'll just lay there and won't be able to go to sleep. So I decided to write here again, complain again, feel sorry for myself again, etc... This stuff is not in my head , it's real and I feel that my Doctors just don't believe me. I've had test after test so far nothing but Epstein Barr has shown up. Im worried that Dr. Lawrence is about to give up on me, and throw in the towel. I don't know what else to do or where else to turn. I've thought that if I have myself checked into one of the mental illness centers, maybe then I can convince someone that this stuff is real and not just in my mind. My wife has told me to pray about this, several times. At first I did ( I guess ) but now I don't much anymore. I'm afraid that God has given up on me and that my prayers are wasted. I don't want to feel that way, but I just feel that I've turned my back on God so many times in my life that even if he hasn't given up on me he should. I tried to explain to my Pastor that taking antidepressants makes me numb and to not have feelings. I need my feelings to feel God is there with me. He told me that I should know that God is there and that my not being able to feel him is only a result of the medication. He also told me that he's a big advocate for medication , and that God gave man the wisdom to create such things to help us lead normal lives. Problem is when I take the medication my life isn't normal at all. When I dont take the medication, I have feelings but my life is far from what most people would call " Normal ".

Back to my feeling bad, I just don't feel well at all anymore. I'm so tired of fighting this that I almost don't care anymore. I'm to the point that I wish God would just call me home. This makes me feel worse emotionally because there are others out there that suffer far worse than I do and they still have the spirit to keep going. It's hard to make it through the day when your muscles and joints ache ( deep burning constant ache) and then throw in on top of it all feeling like your going to throw up every minute of the day.