Bad week for me

This week has been so bad for me, I dont know how to explain it. I've missed Churhc once again, due to not feeling well. Today seems to be worse than yesterday, and the day before that and so on. We had a family cookout yesterday and I just sat in a chair most of the time. My legs and back hurt me so bad right now that I wish the Lord would come in the middle of this sentence and take me home. When you say that to people they take it the wrong way. First thing they think of is " Suicide" thats not what I mean. What Im tring to say is that is seems I’m suffering from anhedonia—the inability to experience pleasure. Nothing excites me. And nothing looks appealing enough to pursue, either. In fact, I feel like an old person just waiting to die, like I’ve experienced all that life has to offer and that I, at some point, stumbled upon what I was supposed to do in this life, and now there’s nothing left to do or work towards. It’s not that I’ve lost hope. Life does seem like it’s worth living. I’ve just lost vision—there’s nothing to work towards. Not to mention the pain I'm feeling now. It just seems that It would be better all the way around for the Lord to take me home before I become a bigger problem for other people.

It’s this last self-revelation that told me that I might not be normal. It’s hard to know what normal is, even for the healthy, but I can’t imagine that most people are walking around out there just waiting to die. So I must be an anomaly.

What I cant seem tog et the Doctors to understand is that the " Depression " Im feeling is a result of the illness and not the other way around. My family doctor sent me to a Psychiatrist because he feels like i have refractory depression ( depression unresponsive to treatment). The shrink doesn't believe me , he seems to think all this stuff is in my head. What can I say other than its not. The pain in my legs, feet ankles, elbows, neck, hips, back, shoulders, the Naseau, the headaches, the restless sleep, all of this is real. I almost to the point of giving up on Dr. Lawrence. Im going to try and make an appointment with a rhuematologist tomorrow and hopefully he can help.

I had to do somehting this morning that broke my heart but know its for the best. 2 years ago my Dad gave me the 1985 Cutlass Salon that he ordered speical from the dealer. I've loved that car for 20 years now. Well with my being sick , Im not able to take care of the car and keep it in the condition that it deserves, so, I gave it back to him this morning. I signed the title over to him and told him how I felt. I also wanted to make sure that if anything does happen to me in the near future that it would be back in a position that he could give the car to my brother. Not that I dont' trust Heather to give it back to him, I just thought it would be easier for my Dad to enjoy the car this way rather than receiving it the other. I love that car and I know how he feels about it too.

Well thats about it for today, and so time continues to tick away, but it's just not fast enough for me now. I said in an earlier post that I wish time wasn't so fast. Now I wish it wasnt so slow. I feel so bad and this is my only outlet to vent about it. I dont want to complain around my family, or others. I'm just as guilty as any in the fact that most people don't want to be around people that are sick. I'm not sure why but it just seems that most people get tired of hearing about your problems so therefore I'm going to try my best to just pretend to be fine for the sake of having people still wanting you around. It's when you become a problem to people that they change their opinion of the situation. Thats not to say that people are bad in general it just seems to be human nature.