God's letting me know he's still there

Around 1:30 am this morning I was out on the front porch. Couldn't sleep again and was feeling bad. Heather was out there with me and we were talking about what we need to look at in the future for this situation. I noticed a young man, maybe 30 years old walking down the street. He was dressed nicely, Church clothes, as I would say. He waved, I waved back then he stopped and ask me a question. The questiuon I found kind of Odd at first because it seemed like a stupid question. The question was "Do you folks know alot about this area?",I said excuse me, cause I wasnt sure exactly what he asked. He then asked again and I said sure, and then I asked him what exactly was it that he wanted to know. He told me that he was trying to locate a locksmith ( and there are none in my neighborhood) that his son had broken the key off in the ignition of their vehicle. He then introduced himself as Rev something or other. I'm really not sure what his last name was because he was talking so fast. He seemed out of breath.

Then another question I wasn't expecting but was glad I could answer. He asked "Are you folks Christian people?" I then told that yes we were, and then he explained that he had the youth choir from his church with him when this happened and there were nine of them in all. They were from Laurens county ( probably 50 miles or so from where we are) and they were on their way back from Landrum ( probably 30 miles from where we are) from performing at the Landrum Baptist Church. He said that he had nine people and 7 keyboards with him and they needed to get back to Laurens county. I assumed that he wanted a ride, so I immediately started planning how we could get these 9 people and 7 keyboards to their dsetination. He then told me that he had already talked with a cab company and they would take them all plus the cargo but he was short on the money, $14.30 to be exact. He told me that he would leave me all his jewelry if I could help him out. I told him no thanks and went into the house to get him the money he needed. I cam back out gave him $40 in case they needed more. He greeted me witha a big hug. I then told him that I would give him a ride back to where the vehicle was, and he gave me another hug. Heather went inside and came back out with a cool drink to offer him because he was so tired from the long walk and she figured he may be thirsty. Well I took him there and we exchanged God Bless you's and as far as I know he's home right now.

I had a Dr.s' appointment with Dr. Lawrence this morning, and we had a pretty good discussion about where we are at this point. I told him that a man that lives down the street from me recommended Dr. Tracy to me and that he said he has helped him alot with his arthritis. So, Dr.Lawrence in a caring mannner said that he would refer me to him. He did, but came back with news of the appointment date as being on August 25th. Dr. Lawrence told me to call and ask to be put on a work-in list so that if any cancellations come up I might could get in sooner. Heather called and did that part as we left the Dr.s' Office. 1 hour later they call me and say that they can see my at 8:00 am tomorrow. I have no doubt that God wanted me on that proch last night and that because we did the right thing now Im able to see this Doctor tomorrow instead of August 25th. God has not given up on me, I need to learn to trust him more.

Thank you lord for all your many blessings that you've given me. Im sorry for my losing sight of the big picture. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Bad week for me

This week has been so bad for me, I dont know how to explain it. I've missed Churhc once again, due to not feeling well. Today seems to be worse than yesterday, and the day before that and so on. We had a family cookout yesterday and I just sat in a chair most of the time. My legs and back hurt me so bad right now that I wish the Lord would come in the middle of this sentence and take me home. When you say that to people they take it the wrong way. First thing they think of is " Suicide" thats not what I mean. What Im tring to say is that is seems I’m suffering from anhedonia—the inability to experience pleasure. Nothing excites me. And nothing looks appealing enough to pursue, either. In fact, I feel like an old person just waiting to die, like I’ve experienced all that life has to offer and that I, at some point, stumbled upon what I was supposed to do in this life, and now there’s nothing left to do or work towards. It’s not that I’ve lost hope. Life does seem like it’s worth living. I’ve just lost vision—there’s nothing to work towards. Not to mention the pain I'm feeling now. It just seems that It would be better all the way around for the Lord to take me home before I become a bigger problem for other people.

It’s this last self-revelation that told me that I might not be normal. It’s hard to know what normal is, even for the healthy, but I can’t imagine that most people are walking around out there just waiting to die. So I must be an anomaly.

What I cant seem tog et the Doctors to understand is that the " Depression " Im feeling is a result of the illness and not the other way around. My family doctor sent me to a Psychiatrist because he feels like i have refractory depression ( depression unresponsive to treatment). The shrink doesn't believe me , he seems to think all this stuff is in my head. What can I say other than its not. The pain in my legs, feet ankles, elbows, neck, hips, back, shoulders, the Naseau, the headaches, the restless sleep, all of this is real. I almost to the point of giving up on Dr. Lawrence. Im going to try and make an appointment with a rhuematologist tomorrow and hopefully he can help.

I had to do somehting this morning that broke my heart but know its for the best. 2 years ago my Dad gave me the 1985 Cutlass Salon that he ordered speical from the dealer. I've loved that car for 20 years now. Well with my being sick , Im not able to take care of the car and keep it in the condition that it deserves, so, I gave it back to him this morning. I signed the title over to him and told him how I felt. I also wanted to make sure that if anything does happen to me in the near future that it would be back in a position that he could give the car to my brother. Not that I dont' trust Heather to give it back to him, I just thought it would be easier for my Dad to enjoy the car this way rather than receiving it the other. I love that car and I know how he feels about it too.

Well thats about it for today, and so time continues to tick away, but it's just not fast enough for me now. I said in an earlier post that I wish time wasn't so fast. Now I wish it wasnt so slow. I feel so bad and this is my only outlet to vent about it. I dont want to complain around my family, or others. I'm just as guilty as any in the fact that most people don't want to be around people that are sick. I'm not sure why but it just seems that most people get tired of hearing about your problems so therefore I'm going to try my best to just pretend to be fine for the sake of having people still wanting you around. It's when you become a problem to people that they change their opinion of the situation. Thats not to say that people are bad in general it just seems to be human nature.

Feeling bad again

Here it is 10:30 pm and once again I'm sick as a dog. I just cant seem to get rid of feeling nauseous. I know if I try to go to bed now I'll just lay there and won't be able to go to sleep. So I decided to write here again, complain again, feel sorry for myself again, etc... This stuff is not in my head , it's real and I feel that my Doctors just don't believe me. I've had test after test so far nothing but Epstein Barr has shown up. Im worried that Dr. Lawrence is about to give up on me, and throw in the towel. I don't know what else to do or where else to turn. I've thought that if I have myself checked into one of the mental illness centers, maybe then I can convince someone that this stuff is real and not just in my mind. My wife has told me to pray about this, several times. At first I did ( I guess ) but now I don't much anymore. I'm afraid that God has given up on me and that my prayers are wasted. I don't want to feel that way, but I just feel that I've turned my back on God so many times in my life that even if he hasn't given up on me he should. I tried to explain to my Pastor that taking antidepressants makes me numb and to not have feelings. I need my feelings to feel God is there with me. He told me that I should know that God is there and that my not being able to feel him is only a result of the medication. He also told me that he's a big advocate for medication , and that God gave man the wisdom to create such things to help us lead normal lives. Problem is when I take the medication my life isn't normal at all. When I dont take the medication, I have feelings but my life is far from what most people would call " Normal ".

Back to my feeling bad, I just don't feel well at all anymore. I'm so tired of fighting this that I almost don't care anymore. I'm to the point that I wish God would just call me home. This makes me feel worse emotionally because there are others out there that suffer far worse than I do and they still have the spirit to keep going. It's hard to make it through the day when your muscles and joints ache ( deep burning constant ache) and then throw in on top of it all feeling like your going to throw up every minute of the day.

Is there any point to this?

My question today is, Is there even any point in writing persoanl thoughts into a journal such as this. You really don't want anyone ( that knows you personally) to read them , and then if they do it seems as if they dont really care anyway. It seems to me that the " Normal People " take it that you're just whining, or being overly dramatic, so rather than encourage your situation they just take the approach of just ignoring it all together. You pour out your heart, and inner thoughts just to try to get it down on paper, so that you can actually say what it is that you cant seem to say in conversation. Only to find it's a conversation that noone else wants or cares to have with you in the first place.

I will continue to write my thoughts down here , but I will do it only for me. I already feel alone, so might as well just be alone.

God Bless
Gregg

A River runs through it.

The temperature was so warm that I just couldn't go to sleep. Laying beside Heather wanting so bad to just drift off to sleep, but couldn't was one reason I started to feel bad. Heather and I hardly ever go to bed at the same time anymore. I guess after 13 years of marriage in these modern times that probably doesn't seem strange to most people. However, it is something I have found myself longing for lately. I feel as if she and I have just become strangers that live with and tolerate each other and I don't want it to be that way anymore. I'm sure if anyone were to ask her she'd say the same.

I called a man today about coming out and checking the coolant level in our outside central air unit. He said he wouldn't be able to make it here until Friday. I'm not sure if there's even anything wrong with it but with the temperatures being so high here this past week the house hasn't cooled off much. It's 1:23 am right now and my Galileo Thermometer says its 80 degrees in here right now. So the temperature being what it is, is the reason I couldn't sleep and just decided to watch a movie. So I crawled over Heather to get out of bed, told her I loved her, gave her a kiss and said good night. I don't think she even knew I existed at that point. She's been wore out this week from school, which she hasn't done in 15 years, and she seems more tired than normal.

The movie was "A River Runs Through It ", which I only watched the last half of since we watched the first half during dinner. The movie itself is ok, but the message at the end is what drove me to start this new Blog. Memories of myself being young and a time when my brother and myself were together all the time. I'm now 37 years old and live in the house that He and I both grew up in. So being here is kind of hard at times, remembering things that took place here and knowing they'll never happen again. At times I feel like I'm in one of those movies at the end narrating about a time in my life when things were so innocent. Now I have two children of my own, and they live here growing up together, soon they won't be here anymore either and so time continues to pass by. When your a child and you hear someone say " Life is short " you have no idea at that time in your life how true that is.

Losing people in your life should get easier to deal with, instead it seems to get harder. I've lost 3 Grandparents, 2 of which were within 6 months of each other and which I still have a big hole in my heart from the loss. It makes me realize that one day I'm going to lose my Dad, Mom, Brother, Wife, and if I'm one of those unfortunate people that have it happen to, possibly one or both my children. This depresses me to no end, because I know that no matter how far into the future these things may occur, it wont be long enough. I'm now 37 and don't understand where time has gone. I've been out of high school for 20 years now, been married for 13 have a son that's 12, a daughter that's 10. My brother, who is 4 years younger than me, has two children of his own. Why does time go by so fast ? I make sure to tell my Dad, and Mom, as well as my brother that I love them every time that I'm around them. I'm afraid that to them they take it as that it's just what people say to each other, but I really want them to know that I mean it.

I love my wife and children with all my heart, and I hope they know that. With this illness I've been fighting last few years comes mood swings and bitterness. Sometimes I take it out on them. This breaks my heart whenever I have time later to reflect on things I've said and done. Those things aren't me, at least not the real me, but they're a product of the sickness and depression I've been facing for a long time now. Now here I am 13 years later my children probably already more than half way of the life they live with their parents before moving out on their own and I'm haunted by the fact that I've already lost those years never to return. I'll never hold either of them again as babies. Why does time have to be so fast ?

Well I guess I'm going to go and try to go back to bed, hopefully tomorrow won't be so hard to deal with. Some days are better than others. Some days I don't realize that time is still ticking and forget about the moments lost. Then again other days, like tonight, more than make up for those days. I don't know why I must continue to harp on the fact that my life seems to be dying rather than living. I don't know if its, as the doctors say, a Chemical Imbalance, or if it's just that I have a sense of, and am aware of the fact that, I, and all the things around me are dying and will in time be gone. Maybe I'm just unlucky in the way that I sense this stuff and happen to care where as most people ( The normal people ) don't even have a clue. Maybe that's what depression is, like having an extra ordinary sensitivity to the fact that nothing last forever, and knowing that, how can anyone enjoy the moments, when you know they'll never be again. I'm not sure, why I'm this way, I only wish I wasn't. God never promised me a minute of life yet he's given me 37 years of it, I guess it's knowing that at any moment some or all of what I have can be taken away, and that leads me to be afraid of life.

Good night and God Bless you
Gregg

P.S. I love you Heather, Devin, Brittanie, Mom, Dad, Travis even if you think it's just something I say, I really do Love you all.